The Heart of Singleness: How to be single and satisfied

The Heart of Singleness is a book for women about singleness—but it’s not like all the others in that category! Andrea Trevenna takes readers to their own hearts, to their own feelings and hopes and dreams—and then shows how those hopes and dreams are truly satisfied. Here’s an extract from chapter 3, where Andrea discusses what is often going on when we follow our hearts.

Follow your heart?

What’s wrong with following your heart? Nothing—if our hearts always get it right. But they don’t. In fact, our hearts deceive us a lot of the time. “The heart is deceitful above all things” (Jeremiah 17 v 9). We can probably see that in our own past, in decisions we’ve made and then regretted. We can probably see that in others, in directions they take that we wish they wouldn’t. It’s harder to see it in our own heart at the moment that it’s happening. But it does happen. Our hearts tell us to run from the person our own hearts most desire—Jesus. That’s what it means to be self-deceived.

How deceit works

Deceit is all about making something not good look good, or making something good look not good. And being deceived is easier to spot when it’s happening to other people than to ourselves (because, by nature, deceit is deceitful!). Being deceived is dangerous because it’s so subtle; we’re not even aware it’s happening.

For deceit to work, good bait is needed. Different bait works in different situations, and different bait works for different prey. I’m no expert on fishing (I tend to think that fish come from a supermarket fridge)—but when it comes to catching some kinds of fish, I vaguely understand that the bait needed is a worm, which is placed on the hook, so that the fish senses the worm, doesn’t see the hook, and by the time they do it’s too late—they’ve been hooked.

Deceit shows us the bait, dazzles us with the bait, so that we don’t see, don’t even think about, the hook. The bait fills our vision, captivates our senses, and captures our hearts. We’re being offered something that is too good to miss; there’s no catch; and we need to grab it now or we might miss our chance.

Deceit lures us to bite. And we’re caught. And the best deceit is the one which so completely lures us that we don’t even realise we’ve been hooked.

How our hearts deceive us

How does your heart deceive you? What does it tell you? That trusting in yourself, depending on your own strength, and taking matters into your own hands, is better than depending on and trusting in the Lord. It tells you that you need more than God instead of more of God. It deceives you as it convinces you to listen to what the world says, to how you feel, to your own wisdom; as it takes your eyes away from God and fixes them on your circumstances.

In Jeremiah’s day, Israel sought relationships with and fulfilment from statues—why? Because that’s what the nations around her did. As the devil showed Eve the fruit that was nearby, within reach, and looked so good, and her heart deceived her, so Israel looked at the nations that were nearby, and so powerful and their hearts deceived them. They didn’t want to miss out.

So what will it be for us? For you? You live in a culture in which sex is everywhere, and sex seems to equal fulfilment. That’s the whisper your heart hears every day, and if you’re a single, celibate woman, the bait is: You’re not having sex. You’re missing out on what you most need.

If you go to church, you are part of a community which probably puts great emphasis on marriage; and so a husband to serve Christ with and spend life with, and children to love and bring up, seems to equal fulfilment. That’s the whisper your heart hears every Sunday: You’re not married, you’re not a mother. You’re missing out on what you most need.

So when it comes to the single woman, what is one of the baits most likely to be successful in luring her in? A husband. And as we take the bait—and, if you’re anything like me, you do—we find that it is impossible to be single and satisfied.

The Heart of Singleness: how to be single and satisfied is the latest in our “How to” series; you can watch Andrea talk about the book, and buy a copy at 15% off, here.