Compared to her: How it affects our relationships

One of the most depressing truths about suffering from CCS is that it stops us loving others.

The Bible is full of warning stories which are essentially examples of CCS run riot. Take the historical story of Joseph and his brothers, for instance. Joseph’s father, Jacob (also called Israel), “loved Joseph more than any of his [eleven] other sons” (Genesis 37 v 3). And to show this, he gave Joseph, and only Joseph, “an ornate robe”.

How did his brothers respond? When they “saw that their father loved him more than any of them, they hated him” (v 4). They compared themselves with Joseph on the basis of their father’s love, came off worse, and were filled with envious hatred.

How did Joseph respond? He shared his dreams with them: “We were binding sheaves of corn out in the field when suddenly my sheaf rose and stood upright, while your sheaves gathered round mine and bowed down to it” (v 7).

Why did Joseph choose to share his dream in which he ruled his older brothers? Maybe he was simply young and naïve. But probably he wanted them to know that, compared to them, he was greater, more successful, and headed for more significance than them. While his brothers show the symptoms of looking-up comparison, he displays the symptoms of looking-down comparison.

It all ended in tears, of course (though God, wonderfully, was working to bring good out of it in the end). One day, Joseph was sent by his father to find his brothers, who were tending sheep miles away. As Joseph, wearing his special cloak, approached (v 23), the brothers decided to take him down a peg or two: “Let’s kill him … then we’ll see what comes of his dreams” (v 20). CCS had produced a tinderbox of pride and envy, which now exploded into conspiracy to murder. In the end, they settled for selling Joseph as a slave to some foreigners, and lying to their father about what had  happened to him (v 31-33).

Resentment is the by-product of envy. If we compare and come off worse, we resent those who seem to have it better. When something great happens to a friend, we can’t feel happy for them. We’re too busy feeling envious of them, and sad for ourselves. We’re too wrapped up in thinking: “It’s just so unfair”.

If we’ve built our sense of significance as a person on being part of a group of friends… or if our security comes from being wealthier than those around us… then a change in other people’s circumstances threatens our whole sense of who we are. If a new girl joins the church and is one of those people who draws friends like bees to a honeypot… or if a friend inherits a fortune from that rich, elderly aunt that everyone other than us seems to have… we resent them. We had been able to proudly look down in those areas; now suddenly we feel the envy of looking up. We wish they weren’t around us; or we try to make sure that we’re not around them.

What the brothers’ envious resentment drove them to was pretty extreme. I imagine CCS has never prompted you to plot murder or sell a sibling into slavery! But what CCS feelings do cause us to do is to seek to make someone else’s life worse.

Have you ever found yourself gossiping or making negative comments about someone whose popularity you’re secretly a little envious of? Why do we do that? Because we want to drag them down a notch or two in front of others, so that we can more easily match up to them. The feeling of envy produced by CCS has turned itself into the action of gossip. Though we don’t want to be known as a gossip, CCS turns us into one. And, when we realise this, what do we do? Either we realise we’re much less nice compared to others, and here comes more despair, self-hate, and guilt. Or we just find someone who is more of a gossip compared to us, and here comes the pride and superiority!

In the end, CCS even stops us loving our loved ones. CCS makes life all about me; about me managing to match up, or stay ahead. When I do things for them, it’s so that I compare favourably with others. When I encourage them to change, it’s so that I’ll look like a better daughter, wife, mother, or older Christian friend/adviser. When they make a mistake, I may well be more irritated about how that reflects on me than I am sad for them. It looks like I’m doing it all for them; actually, it’s all for me.

When CCS gets a grip, it stops us loving well those we love most. 

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