She hit me

Domestic violence is in the news again. That's what happens when 2 celebrities have a very public row. And quite right too. Domestic violence is a hideous phenomenon that affects approximately 25% of women at some stage of their married / partnered life. It needs to be exposed. It needs to stop.

But there is another aspect to this crime. One which goes largely unreported. According to the National Centre for Domestic Violence, approximately 4 million men are affected by domestic violence every year. Every third victim of domestic violence is male. One man dies every 3 weeks at the hands of their partner.

Women find it desperately difficult to talk about their abuse. Men arguably find it even harder. You see, it's not supposed to happen to them, is it? Men are supposed to be strong. Men are supposed to be dominant. Not only is there the physical pain at being abused, the emotional crushing at being hurt by the one who is supposed to love, there is, in our society, great shame at feeling weak and being unable to ensure that the home environment is a safe place to be.

My impression is that it is no easier in church. I have known of Christian men emotionally manipulated and physically injured by their wives. I have seen them arrive on a Sunday morning, chirpy and willing to serve - speaking words of great gospel truth - only later to discover that the night before they were cowering in fear in their own living room, ducking the latest barrage of insults and objects being hurled with great force. On top of all the usual pain that all male victims of abuse feel, there can be the added distress of feeling like a "bad Christian" unable to lead your own family well. Few want to admit to that.

In the region of 9% of men will be victims of domestic abuse at some stage of their lives. Why not apply that statistic to your congregation right now. How many men could that be? 1, 2, 10, 20, 50 men who might have experiences of domestic abuse in their past - or in their present? What's 9% of the boys in your children's and youth work? How many there could be heading for relationships of pain and distress?

As Christians we can't wish away this problem. It helps no-one to pretend it doesn't exist. So let's be proactive in the face of its presence.

• When we're teaching adults or young men, let's - where appropriate - flag up how the passage we're teaching applies to violence within the home, confident that the living and active word has much to say to all who suffer and struggle.
• When we're reading the Bible one-to-one with people, let's ask appropriately tough questions about how their relationships are going, giving them an opportunity to share in ways that are safe so they can be encouraged by their brothers in Christ.
• When we're meeting to pray as a church, let's anonymously bring the needs of victims of violence to the Lord from time to time so they need they're loved.
• When we're organising the noticeboard, let's have a poster on the wall that invites men to approach the pastor if they are struggling with domestic violence - or porn or alcohol or a host of other problems.
• When we're training up the pastors and elders of the future, let's make sure they know how to support men who have been caused much pain.
• And when we're doing marriage prep let's not be shy about trying to head off issues of domestic violence at the pass - wisely, gently, biblically encouraging both parties to be the men and women of God that they are called to be.