The right to live

“I can’t do this any more.” I said, and I really meant it.

I’ve been battling illness for nine years. And can see the next 20, 30, even 40 stretching ahead of me. I’ve fought as hard as I can, but I’ve no reserves left. It’s too hard.

“I can’t do this any more.”

That’s how I was feeling a couple of weeks ago when I read a news report about a new name that’s joined the “Right to die” campaign. Paul Lamb is so severely disabled that he has only a little movement in his right hand. He's added his name to the appeal against the verdict given last August in the Tony Nicklinson case. The case is being heard this week by the Court of Appeal.

When I read Mr Lamb’s reasons for joining the campaign, much of it was very familiar to me:

"I am in pain every single hour of every single day. I have lived with these conditions for a lot of years and have given it my best shot.

"Now I feel worn out and I am genuinely fed up with my life. I feel I cannot and do not want to keep living. I feel trapped by the situation and have no way out.

"I am fed up of going through the motions of life rather than living it. I feel enough is enough."

“I have given it my best shot … I feel worn out”. When I listen to Mr Lamb saying this, I’m filled with sympathy for his situation, and empathy with his experiences. There are many similarities between us, and he expresses exactly what I felt a couple of weeks ago. But there are also plenty of differences. And the main one is this: I’m a Christian.

Yes, I’m a Christian. But I regularly find myself flooded with a longing for death. For the struggle to be over. Because I’m worn out. Because I can’t do this any more.

So I sympathise and empathise with Mr Lamb and others in his situation. I can understand why they want the option of dying at a time and in a way of their choosing. And of course there are many who aren’t dependent on others to help them die, some of whom have chosen to end their own lives. So why haven’t I?

It’s simply because I’m convinced that God is good. And that perspective changes how I look at everything. I know He is working in my life to make me more like Jesus. I know He is using this experience to shape me into the person He wants me to be. I know He is transforming me by the renewing of my mind, and that includes my longing to be dead. He can free me from these thoughts and feelings—and even if He doesn’t, He will give me the strength to hang on.

So yes, I’m convinced that God is good. The Bible leaves me with no other possible conclusion. God isn’t a tyrant who inflicts pain on us for his own enjoyment. He isn’t a wimp who can’t control what’s going on. He hasn’t forgotten about me and left me to suffer alone. He is our good, loving, sovereign Father who I can trust with all things, who is gently changing me to be more like his Son and who will bring me to be with him at just the right time.

I don’t say that lightly. And at times I genuinely think: “I can’t do this any more”. But I grab hold of that one glorious truth: God is good.

“Taste and see that the Lord is good.” Psalm 34 v 8