Lust (which for the purposes of this post, we’ll define as a strong sexual desire for someone other than our spouse) is a big problem but let’s face it, most of us don’t naturally talk about our sexual struggles over coffee after church. Every now and then, though, there’s a cracking sermon on Matthew 5:27-30 and someone quietly whispers … “I needed to hear that so much – I’m in a mess … “
In moments like this, how can we make sure our initial response is as helpful as it can be? Here are our top tips for things to say:
1. I’m so encouraged by your honesty
Confession of this kind of struggle is pure gold! It means someone is fed up of their dark ways and wants to become more like Jesus and that is fantastic.
2. Everyone in this church is a sexual sinner
People find it easy to think that they are the only one who struggles with lust but nothing could be further from the truth. There are a few people who have no discernable sex drive but most us know exactly what it’s like to lust.
3. When you think lustfully are you just yearning for sex or are you looking for something more?
Some people simply want an outlet for their sexual desires, but for most people it’s more complex than that. Maybe they are trying to cover up loneliness, problems in their current relationship, boredom or compensate for perceived failures in one area of their life by pretending to be irresistible in a fantasy life. For others still, they may be looking for acceptance – at least in their imaginations – because in real life they have experienced so much rejection. It can be tempting to focus on a friend’s behaviour, but it’s better to try to work out what their heart is seeking.
4. God has promised to give us everything we need for life and godliness. To what extent do you feel he has kept that promise to you?
The Bible says that we have been given all we need for life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3) and that we have been blessed with every spiritual blessing (Ephesians 1:3). That doesn’t mean our lives are perfect but it does mean God has given us all the good things we need. Lust says, “Life would be better if God had done things differently…” Both singleness (if we’re single) and our spouse (if we’re married) are God’s precious gifts (1 Corinthians 7) and wanting to reject them, points to some problems trusting God or believing he is truly loving and good. Reflecting on how good a King he is can be exciting.
5. What damage are these thoughts doing to your relationship with God and others?
Lust may take place in private but its ripples stretch a long way. How are lustful thoughts damaging your relationship with God? How are they dehumanizing the people you are thinking about? How are they damaging your ability to be faithful in your single – or married – state? It’s worth seeing the effects of lust for what they are.
6. When are your struggles at their most intense?
Lust can be a frequent problem but it’s rarely a 24/7 problem, so it’s good to identify the danger areas … in the gym, on the way home from work, just before going to sleep or when alone in the house. Help them know their vulnerabilities!
7. Let’s look at Scripture: there is forgiveness and hope.
Aim for a good balance between Scriptures that show the call to purity (1 Thessalonians 4:3-5) and Scriptures that emphasize the forgiveness available for those times when lust has won the day (1John 1:9). Keeping coming back to the cross for forgiveness and transformation is the only way to live the Christian life.
8. What practical strategies can we put in place to help you?
Small changes can be a big help. If there’s a particular person on the train to work whose figure is fuelling lust then changing routes or times can be a good place to start. Making a deliberate effort to fill your mind with wholesome things at the times when temptation is most likely to hit can be wonderfully refocusing. And asking yourself tough questions can be transformational: “Is this fantasy actually going to improve my life in any way?” is a great place to start. Remember too the armour of God (Ephesians 6).
9. Why don’t we pray about that now? And arrange to chat again.
No change is easy – God’s help is needed. Praise God for his Lordship, confess moments of sin and ask for his help to change. And be willing to stand by your friend in the coming months by consistently opening Scripture with them and encouraging them to live for Jesus.
