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How does prayer shape a marriage? We asked Michael and Melissa Kruger to share how prayer has fit into their 25 years of marriage. With 3 kids and full-time ministry roles, the Krugers offer realistic insight for busy couples.
Melissa: We met over 30 years ago when we were both at The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill together. I was a freshman and Mike was a senior and we started dating there—we’re both thankful that we’re still Tar Heels today! And then soon after I graduated we got married.
Mike: When we got married we lived in Phoenix, Arizona for my first ministry job after seminary. Of course, it was tough having a move when you just got married, but then it got even more crazy. Soon after we headed to Edinburgh, Scotland for my PhD program so we not only moved states but then overseas. That was challenging!
Melissa: Yeah, especially for me!
Mike: Yes, I had lots of PhD work to do, but Melissa was like, “I’m in a foreign country, what am I doing here?”
Putting your spouse in the hands of the Lord is the best thing you can do for your spouse.
But we fell in love with Scotland, and it was wonderful. Eventually, the Lord brought us back to Charlotte where I’ve been at Reformed Theological Seminary for the last 20 years.
Mike: Next came the children phase.
Melissa: We’ve loved getting to raise our kids and grow roots here in Charlotte. I’ve been so thankful I grew up in North Carolina, so it’s been great to be back in this part of the country. It’s really a gift to be able to raise our kids near family and good friends. So we’ve gone through a lot of different seasons and a lot of different locations but we’re thankful to have landed here in Charlotte.
Mike: Well, like any couple that has been married 25 years, we’ve had various seasons in our marriage. Sometimes you’re faced with circumstances that are great, and sometimes you’re faced with circumstances that are really challenging. Sometimes you see your spouse really struggling and sometimes you see your spouse really doing well.
Mike: Well oftentimes, at least for me as the husband, I probably try to fix it or solve it. But then I’ve learned over the years that one of the best things I can do for Melissa is to pray for her.
That’s one of the lessons we have learned in our marriage. Putting your spouse in the hands of the Lord is the best thing you can do for your spouse. God has the ability to actually solve those problems, whereas the spouse realizes very quickly in marriage that you don’t really have the power to solve them.
Melissa: I can actually remember that I would see date nights as my opportunity to “fix” him. So that made date nights a lot of fun! Then I realized I was trying to, in some sense, use that time together to air whatever grievances I might have had that week.
Over the years, one of the best things I’ve learned is that being a wife who’s on my knees for my husband is really the greatest gift I can give to him.
Rather than actually just praying that the Lord would change my heart and that the Lord would change his heart, it’s almost like we think “Oh, I’m supposed to change you and you’re supposed to change me.”
Over the years, one of the best things I’ve learned is that being a wife who’s on my knees for my husband is really the greatest gift I can give to him. Rather than just telling my husband what I want our life to look like, actually praying that the Lord would sanctify us both and change us both and make us look more like Christ is better.
Melissa: We’ve seen that joining together in prayer as a family is honestly one of the sweetest times. Each morning we all sit around the kitchen table and we pray for one another. It is one of those ways that even with one child off to college, we stay connected. So prayer is a beautiful way not just to be connected as spouses, but to be connected with our kids and to just share in that together as a family.
Mike: Yes. One of the things we’ve faced as spouses for over 25 years is a lot of decisions. Decisions about where to live, what job to take, what to do in certain circumstances and that's where you realize the power of praying too. You’re not drawing just on your own wisdom or your own opinion about things but really looking to Christ to make sure that whatever decision you make is a decision that he’s in and that only really comes through making sure that you're praying together with your spouse.
Melissa: Yeah and praying Scripture with and for our spouse! I think one thing that’s helped me too: allowing the Scriptures to start as the basis for how we pray for one another.
Melissa: Often I know I can get stuck praying the same thing over and over. Whether it’s a big decision that’s coming up or something simple, you just kind of pray that over and over and over again. The Lord hears those prayers and we can pray whatever prayers to the Lord, but a prayer resource helps us pray bigger prayers for our spouse, like that the eyes of their spiritual heart will be open to know the truths of the gospel and things like that.
A prayer book helps so you’re actually praying Scripture for your spouse.
Mike: We are very excited about our new book 5 Things to Pray for Your Spouse. This is the first time we’ve ever co-authored a book together!
Melissa: So this is a guide that helps you go through different seasons and different circumstances and really take Scripture and pray it for your spouse. What I love is that it’s not just reactive to circumstances but it’s proactive for their spiritual health, how they’re walking with the Lord, their job. If you have children it addresses raising children. All of those things are in there, and it just helps me to feel like I’m really praying for the full person, not just smaller parts of our life.
One of the best ways we can help people in their marriages is to encourage them to be on their knees before the Lord. Everybody’s marriage is different and everybody’s circumstances are different.
Mike: We really believe in the power of prayer, but we also believe in the way it plays itself out in the life of a marriage. One of the challenges of prayer that everyone knows is that you struggle to pray because you don’t always know what to pray and how to pray. But when we wrote this book we decided we were going to give it some structure, give it a plan, give it really a core scriptural basis. We’re really excited to see how that’s going to help couples as they pray.
Mike: One advantage of having a plan when you pray is it allows you to cover areas you might not otherwise pray for, and so we have slots in this prayer guide where you pray for things you may forget. For example, praying for your spouse’s evangelistic efforts, how they reach out to the lost, or even praying for your spouse in times of suffering or discouragement.
There’s all kinds of different particulars there that you only can get if you attach Scripture to these prayers and really give a structure around them and we think that’s going to be very exciting.
Melissa: We really hope that this will just be a guide to help your prayer life and help you pray for your spouse. Honestly, I think that’s better than any book we could have written about marriage.
One of the best ways we can help people in their marriages is to encourage them to be on their knees before the Lord. Everybody’s marriage is different and everybody’s circumstances are different. But we serve the same Lord who is reigning over all of our circumstances and who can help each couple in whatever they’re facing.
So that's what we really hope: whether you’re newly married and you get this as a wedding gift, or whether you’ve been married for 30 years, you can be spouses who pray for one another.
Mike: And we hope that as it helps you yourselves in your marriage, you also might think about other people’s marriages that might benefit from this book. It’s a good thing to give to a friend, maybe on a special occasion like an anniversary or when a couple is going through a challenge. This is an opportunity to remind and encourage others that prayer really matters in binding husbands and wives together.
Find your copy of 5 Things to Pray for Your Spouse here. When you order multiple copies, you’ll save! So grab a copy for you, your spouse, and other couples you want to encourage.
Melissa Kruger is the author of Wherever You Go, I Want You to Know as well as several books for adults. She blogs at Wit's End, hosted by The Gospel Coalition. Her husband, Mike, is the president of Reformed Theological Seminary, and they have three children.
